Dumb Baby Names

(to the tune of “Sweet Baby James”)

Copyright © 2012 Kevin Ahern


(optional words in parentheses)


My sister was pregnant, right at the stage

When cravings and sickness occupied ev’ry morning

She wasn’t quite showing there was plenty of warning

Awaiting the day when she turned the next page


The doctor can’t tell her the sex of the baby

Just too early for painting the walls pink or blue

Closing her eyes she is thinking (that) maybe

She’d better get naming her new babaloo

There was nothing much better to do


Went Googling to find all the way these

Parents pick (out) dumb baby names

Rockford and Breen and a boy named Marine

Can’t she find something better to do?

Like not picking out a dumb baby name


Fast forward two decades the kid is all grown

And he’s starting to step out a bit on his own

In his hands are some papers with a story (that’s) well known

He’s got a big date and just one (big) step to go-o-o-o


The judge says to him, “There are things that are given

And taken for granted by everyone here

You think you can change up the life you are liv’n

If you really believe it then it just might come true

(So) I think my decision is clear”


He says, “I approve (the) petition

The man (here) shall have a new name

I do not oppose the new one he chose

So his first name’s no longer ‘Eighteen’

Mr. Wheeler may call himself James”


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